Wednesday, February 21, 2018


By definition mean a substance that has no fixed shape and yields easily to external pressure (n.)
able to flow easily (adj.)

In Yoga I am fluid. In life I am fluid.

My last blog post was on May 30, 2017. Remember when we used to chat here all the time?600 and some blog posts on everything from how to make jewelry to how to conquer your fear. Oh those were good days.

2017 proved to be a very trying year for me. I was rocked on several levels and by wolves disguised in sheep's clothing. Oh those wolves, but I thank them, they made me fluid.

I have come to the decision to close the Black Star Boutique once and for all. Yes, you have heard this before, however this time is so much different.I have burned the bridges that will lead me back to it. I will not be back.

I embarked on a project two years ago to get to the bottom of my anxiety. I repeat. I embarked on a project. I was not fluid at that time.

I refused drugs from the doctor. I choose instead the naturopath, healthy eating, meditation, yoga, walking, my plants, and my journal. I choose to be alone for most of it. 
 I did not want to be alone. I did not choose alone. I desperately wanted my spouse to be there. He could not be. I had no choice. He was away. I HAD to do it on my own.

This became a blessing in disguise.

300 meditation sessions later and months of yoga between me and my mat (oh I love my mat, she knows me so well) I emerged. A year of completely clean eating and regular visits to the naturopath and a counselor I had just won on my attack with anxiety.
 No more panic attacks. I had won!

As I took back my control, life tested me in the months of August through December. Seasons past, houses changed, and the love of my life was nowhere to be found. Fluid....Oh but yes, he was the reason I could take the crazy walk to fluid. I thanked him this new years eve, silently, from a place of love and trust. He was and still is the rock. My love.

Last January I read Marie Kondo's "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up". I took the plunge. I purged and I purged. Bags and bags of everything that didn't spark joy went to a better home, to the fire pit, to my friends. As I burned the last 15 years of journals in the middle of a cold January night with the coyotes and cats and a glass of wine, I felt peace. I had lived that, I had over come that, I had been there, YUP, I did that, way to go girl. I silently cheered myself on. My spirit came alive, she said, 
"Hey Tina, let's go find your soul. You let it go somewhere out there in the ether."

I was becoming Fluid.
Photo by The Black Star Boutique

In February 2017, I drank with my sister. Something we hadn't done in a good long time. We spent Valentine's Day together, while my daughter drove us and took some really funny videos of us just being free. It was the very best Valentines I had had in a few years. The memories will stay with us forever. I had created something new. 
That night, I was Fluid.

This January I embarked on building a website and reformatting the Black Star Boutique. Then I watched Big Little Lies....shit. I am going to admit to you. I tried. I really tried. I wanted to love jewelry. I wanted to build that website. I wanted to make it a massive $10,000 business. I did. Also, very frustrating was the fact that I knew I could but failed daily to take action. I even wrote this down in my goals book right alongside the MRS BELL part.

Hello February 2018.
I was now becoming very fluid. I took a step back and instead read In Clover. A post on their Instagram distracted me one evening. It was something in the picture. It spoke to something deep within me. DEEP. Deep enough to bring tears to my eyes. This is what I wanted. 
This is what I want. I didn't need to question it. I Knew. 

It has been some time since I Knew. I had forgotten what that feeling really feels like. 
I just knew.

Suddenly it snapped inside of me. I could no longer give to the world anymore senseless pieces of jewelry. I could no longer give Hollywood another piece of jewelry for free. My hard work and they do not even want to acknowledge that it was me. What the fuck was I doing?

I stopped everything I was working on and began Project 333. I read An Organized Life and I bought a copy of The Kinfolk Entrepreneur. I read Chasing Slow. I read Dave Ramsey. I searched minimalism, frugality. I went to pottery.
 I cleaned the closet. I cleaned the closet. I cleaned the closet.

I am fluid.

In Yoga, fluid is to flow easily. You don't go from warrior into downward dog and then cobra by not being fluid. You must flow and as you flow you change. 
You build more fluid, you become fluid.

I packed everything from my office. Every business card, every tiny piece of pretty sparkly nothingness. What was left was my books, my pens, my journals. This was my peace. My happiness. My closet flowed, it became fluid. Every piece of clothing meant something and brand new outfits were born that speak of my own FLUIDITY.

During this time a war between Alberta and British Columbia broke out. British Columbia has stopped the Kinder Morgan pipeline in an effort to decide if they really want the risk of an oil leak in their marine environment. 
Alberta stopped BCs wine from being sold or served here in Alberta.

You know what I did? I went out and bought several bottles of wine from BC. In fact, I applied to work at the wineries. I applied for work all over BC. I want out of here.

Alberta. I am sorry, but you are not for me. BC. Please stand your ground. I am with you in spirit and in my heart.I am leaving this god forsaken province. Alberta.We are lost. Oil ruined us. It ruined our people and it ruined our hearts. 

We forgot to be Fluid.

I cannot and will not try to sell you another piece of jewelry to add to our problem of needing stuff. I will not produce another item to add to the mountain of stuff we already do not need. 
I cannot. This is no longer me.

Marie Kondos book really does spark joy. It really does create a magic in your life. The thing is that I didn't know this. I wanted instant magic. But what I got was magic happening now. I hadn't completely cleared everything that didn't spark joy. It took me a full year to do it. Then, when my thoughts were so loud that I could not and would not ignore them, I found that last thing that needed to go. 
The Black Star Boutique.....

This Spark JOY
 Photo by The Black Star Boutique

 Photo by The Black Star Boutique

                                        Photo by The Black Star Boutique

Photo by The Black Star Boutique

Big Little Lies did something for the woman in me. Yes. Let's change the way it is. I came from an abusive relationship, I get when you get hit. That bruise heals, but the emotional damage is real. It takes a long time to clear. But what doesn't kill you on the silent scary night when he pushes you down the stairs while you are 7 months pregnant with your first child will make you stronger. It will make you a force to be bloody reckoned with. 

Oh the wolves in sheeps clothing.

Since closing my shop I have read 5 books. Learned to play poker. Created a capsule wardrobe. Made my own Kombucha. Fed the birds. And cleared my head. 
I am feeling whole. I am feeling fluid.

What sparks joy?

The mountain ranges of Banff, Alberta and the hot springs in winter. The walks up Sulphur Mountain. The hot springs of Invermere, BC. The Fraser River and all its glory in Hope, BC. Gold panning. Coffees on the patio of Second Cup on a warm summer's evening with the love of my life. Poker night with the kids. The ski hill. In Clover. My newest read. Lavender Tulsi tea. Homemade Chicken Pad Tai. Wine with my girlfriend in Lamoureux. Puppies, kittens, and my plants. The greenhouse. Listening to the Mac Ladds over spiced rum and shooting the shit with my fiance. The sight of the powerline on the horizon. The little coffee shop in Hope, BC, where I did my laundry and was amazed at the mountains. The walks I took on the Fraser River. My journal. My pen. Yoga. Meditation. Swollen Members and the sound of the 78th Fraser Highlanders Pipe Band. Picking my fiance up from the airport after not seeing him for months...haha...better not get into that one. The Cambridge English Dictionary. Happy Water from BC. Hard Bite Salt n Vinegar chips, also from BC. Rising at 5am and watching the sun come up. Mumford and Sons. Outlander. My quest for adventure and change. Saying no to my sons school and deciding that perhaps he would be better under my direction and education. (He's suffocating at his school). Patagonia. 
Sunlight. Fresh Air. Walks. Taking pictures. Writing. The truth.

So much sparks joy for me that is either free, cheap, or spent with the ones I love. I cannot chase what I do not want. I cannot and I will not.

 I am fluid. I am fluid. I am fluid.

Stop surfing the net.
Stop shopping.
Small businesses have now learned how to make you want it and buy it.
I declare war on this.
It is why I could not do it.
I refuse to make you believe something that is not true.
If I cannot ethically produce something that is ecologically friendly and useful then no.

Have my wits grown stronger?
I am Fluid...

Back to Top