Thursday, September 22, 2016

Happy Autumn Equinox

Happy first day of fall my friends...Simply put: 

Our new street, this is my view every morning, with a beautiful view of the river and I enjoy it on a daily basis.

I do love Autumn the most. It is a time between worlds when the beauty of the changing seasons surrounds us and one can't help but be in awe of mother nature.

The picture above I found on Pintrest.
It captures the mood of tonight's post.

Let me start by saying I have the extreme pleasure of living through the past 8 months of a revolting and ruthless hell. If you read any previous posts, you will know that I had been very sick and that I officially quit Reiki. I was convinced I was dying.

It was a dark and tumultuous time for me. I spent a good portion of it alone and scared, unable to put into words what I was feeling. I no longer wanted to hear about conspiracy theories (once a great passion of mine), I did not want to talk about Reiki or spirit or yoga. 
I refused TV, I refused music, I refused to write. 
I refused to even reach out to anyone for help.

I also refused to give in to whatever was happening in my body, so it was not a total refusal. I decided to fight back.

I began to eat a very clean diet. When I say clean, I can list EXACTLY what I ate. My diet was vegetables, quinoa, and chia pudding bowls. Lots of Kombucha, Green Tea, and rest. I took to walking, a lot. My muscle mass had evaded me and I simply had no strength. My weight was higher than it had ever been and for once in my life I was terrified. I stopped dead in my tracks and searched for an answer. All I could think over and over was that this was the end. I was dying. I felt empty, alone, unfulfilled. 

Eventually, after months of the doctors telling me it was stress, I went to a Naturopath in search of answers. After a few sessions with my Naturopath, I realized and accepted that I was suffering from panic attacks. 

What the hell? 
Where did that come from?

I had to do some soul searching. I was in this hell on my own. 
Only one friend could understand what I was going through and it was because of her constant reassurance that I emerged alive and well.

Mostly well...except for this:

I had a huge empty space in my life.
For all I had accomplished and for all I had done on my own, the fear of being alone became my very real enemy. My girlfriend was shocked. She knew I loved being on my own. I had always been so brave and so strong. Suddenly, I was not anything I used to be. It was very sad to see myself slip away. I watched it happen bit by bit, day by day. I aimlessly looked out to the world wondering where did my soul go? How had this happened to me? 
Why, for the love of God, after everything, why now?

I never gave up completely though. In July, I made the move to a beautiful country home. I was afraid. I knew I would mostly be alone and alone was not what I wanted. But there was something so healing and magical about this new home. When I look outside each morning, all I see is the trees, the river flowing by, and I have the perfect view of the sun rising and the moon coming out in the evening. There are stars above my head at night and there is quiet. There is stillness. I walk our beautiful road daily, and see the stunning brick houses and wonder at the beauty of this street. 

First street. I live on the most historic spot, the very first street in Alberta. I wonder how I could be so lucky and I am thankful daily for this spot to heal, no matter what that healing may bring.

I had to accept that perhaps it was time to speak to a counsellor.
When she asked me to describe my life, I laughed.
"What life?"

And there it was. Plain as day to me.
I had spent so much time wrapped within my family life, so much time wrapped in helping others, so much time spent trying to make the perfect home and life for my family, that I lost all hope of having any fun, although I thought I was having fun. 

I had disconnected myself from my friends and from doing what I loved doing. I had spent too much time contemplating and thinking, alone, that all of that came at me full force, like a defiant teenager, and slapped me with sinful, uncensored, razor sharp hell. My family was not a lot of help either, they just added stress onto stress...omg...can you say fuck off?

My naturopath brought relief. I had refused any meds from the doctor, cause like, I don't need to do further damage by taking ativan or some other killer drug, right? I found out my body was low in iodine and a B vitamin. My naturopath explained that there are "histamines" in the body and they block the cells, when histamines drop in the body, so to speak, the panic attacks come. It took me months to understand this very easy concept, but now, I understand my body more. I understand when I may be getting an attack and I am fully able to ward it off, most of the time. I used nutrition and exercise to cope.

My naturopath also explained that where most people take in 12% of what is going on around them, I am taking in all of it 24/7. No wonder I didn't want to watch TV or listen to music or read...I wasn't filtering any of it.

I didn't want to tell anyone. It felt uncomfortable and embarrassing. Not many people could understand what was going on within me. It was a silent, shameless fight within my own mind, even now, that may prove to be quite scandalous by the time I am done. The mind is clever and it is tricky and sly and devious. 

I decided to write about it.
I decided that it would be okay to put this out there to all of you.

I thought I had a stress free life, but here is what has happened in 4 years:

4  moves in 3 years. All of which i had to unpack and organize new homes myself
2 miscarriages
4 deaths within my family - one was my step dad, I attended his funeral
One was my Dad. I did not attend his funeral because of my sister, who made me feel like I should not be there. Two more deaths were both of my grandfathers, I went to neither funeral
Most recently, my youngest sister has told me she has very little time left....

A crack ran right down the front of me.
I thought so much I silenced myself.
Ten thousand roads to run away on...
Which one will I take?

And that is the picture above. I have no idea where this bridge will take me this time, but I will not be afraid, I will go into the fog and I will come out victorious. I choose to fight for myself and if that sees me jumping from an airplane just to prove I can, then I will.

Someone told me I am not worth it.
Someone said I can't.
Someone told me...

I say, honey, you forget who the hell you're dealing with. I have the guts, the grit, and the spirit to prove you so wrong, you'll be sorry you ever let the words leave your lips.

If there is a will, there is a way.
I decided I will no longer find an excuse, I will find a way.

I hope you join me and keep reading. I want to share as much info on this as I can so that people don't think medication is the only option. 

Peace out friends

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