Wednesday, February 21, 2018

FLUID

 Fluid.
By definition mean a substance that has no fixed shape and yields easily to external pressure (n.)
able to flow easily (adj.)

In Yoga I am fluid. In life I am fluid.

My last blog post was on May 30, 2017. Remember when we used to chat here all the time?600 and some blog posts on everything from how to make jewelry to how to conquer your fear. Oh those were good days.

2017 proved to be a very trying year for me. I was rocked on several levels and by wolves disguised in sheep's clothing. Oh those wolves, but I thank them, they made me fluid.

I have come to the decision to close the Black Star Boutique once and for all. Yes, you have heard this before, however this time is so much different.I have burned the bridges that will lead me back to it. I will not be back.

I embarked on a project two years ago to get to the bottom of my anxiety. I repeat. I embarked on a project. I was not fluid at that time.

I refused drugs from the doctor. I choose instead the naturopath, healthy eating, meditation, yoga, walking, my plants, and my journal. I choose to be alone for most of it. 
STOP. No.
 I did not want to be alone. I did not choose alone. I desperately wanted my spouse to be there. He could not be. I had no choice. He was away. I HAD to do it on my own.

This became a blessing in disguise.

300 meditation sessions later and months of yoga between me and my mat (oh I love my mat, she knows me so well) I emerged. A year of completely clean eating and regular visits to the naturopath and a counselor I had just won on my attack with anxiety.
 No more panic attacks. I had won!

As I took back my control, life tested me in the months of August through December. Seasons past, houses changed, and the love of my life was nowhere to be found. Fluid....Oh but yes, he was the reason I could take the crazy walk to fluid. I thanked him this new years eve, silently, from a place of love and trust. He was and still is the rock. My love.

Last January I read Marie Kondo's "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up". I took the plunge. I purged and I purged. Bags and bags of everything that didn't spark joy went to a better home, to the fire pit, to my friends. As I burned the last 15 years of journals in the middle of a cold January night with the coyotes and cats and a glass of wine, I felt peace. I had lived that, I had over come that, I had been there, YUP, I did that, way to go girl. I silently cheered myself on. My spirit came alive, she said, 
"Hey Tina, let's go find your soul. You let it go somewhere out there in the ether."

I was becoming Fluid.
Photo by The Black Star Boutique

In February 2017, I drank with my sister. Something we hadn't done in a good long time. We spent Valentine's Day together, while my daughter drove us and took some really funny videos of us just being free. It was the very best Valentines I had had in a few years. The memories will stay with us forever. I had created something new. 
That night, I was Fluid.

This January I embarked on building a website and reformatting the Black Star Boutique. Then I watched Big Little Lies....shit. I am going to admit to you. I tried. I really tried. I wanted to love jewelry. I wanted to build that website. I wanted to make it a massive $10,000 business. I did. Also, very frustrating was the fact that I knew I could but failed daily to take action. I even wrote this down in my goals book right alongside the MRS BELL part.

Hello February 2018.
I was now becoming very fluid. I took a step back and instead read In Clover. A post on their Instagram distracted me one evening. It was something in the picture. It spoke to something deep within me. DEEP. Deep enough to bring tears to my eyes. This is what I wanted. 
This is what I want. I didn't need to question it. I Knew. 





It has been some time since I Knew. I had forgotten what that feeling really feels like. 
I just knew.

Suddenly it snapped inside of me. I could no longer give to the world anymore senseless pieces of jewelry. I could no longer give Hollywood another piece of jewelry for free. My hard work and they do not even want to acknowledge that it was me. What the fuck was I doing?

I stopped everything I was working on and began Project 333. I read An Organized Life and I bought a copy of The Kinfolk Entrepreneur. I read Chasing Slow. I read Dave Ramsey. I searched minimalism, frugality. I went to pottery.
 I cleaned the closet. I cleaned the closet. I cleaned the closet.

I am fluid.

In Yoga, fluid is to flow easily. You don't go from warrior into downward dog and then cobra by not being fluid. You must flow and as you flow you change. 
You build more fluid, you become fluid.

I packed everything from my office. Every business card, every tiny piece of pretty sparkly nothingness. What was left was my books, my pens, my journals. This was my peace. My happiness. My closet flowed, it became fluid. Every piece of clothing meant something and brand new outfits were born that speak of my own FLUIDITY.

During this time a war between Alberta and British Columbia broke out. British Columbia has stopped the Kinder Morgan pipeline in an effort to decide if they really want the risk of an oil leak in their marine environment. 
Alberta stopped BCs wine from being sold or served here in Alberta.

You know what I did? I went out and bought several bottles of wine from BC. In fact, I applied to work at the wineries. I applied for work all over BC. I want out of here.

Alberta. I am sorry, but you are not for me. BC. Please stand your ground. I am with you in spirit and in my heart.I am leaving this god forsaken province. Alberta.We are lost. Oil ruined us. It ruined our people and it ruined our hearts. 

We forgot to be Fluid.

I cannot and will not try to sell you another piece of jewelry to add to our problem of needing stuff. I will not produce another item to add to the mountain of stuff we already do not need. 
I cannot. This is no longer me.

Marie Kondos book really does spark joy. It really does create a magic in your life. The thing is that I didn't know this. I wanted instant magic. But what I got was magic happening now. I hadn't completely cleared everything that didn't spark joy. It took me a full year to do it. Then, when my thoughts were so loud that I could not and would not ignore them, I found that last thing that needed to go. 
The Black Star Boutique.....

This Spark JOY
 Photo by The Black Star Boutique

 Photo by The Black Star Boutique

                                        Photo by The Black Star Boutique

Photo by The Black Star Boutique


Big Little Lies did something for the woman in me. Yes. Let's change the way it is. I came from an abusive relationship, I get when you get hit. That bruise heals, but the emotional damage is real. It takes a long time to clear. But what doesn't kill you on the silent scary night when he pushes you down the stairs while you are 7 months pregnant with your first child will make you stronger. It will make you a force to be bloody reckoned with. 

Oh the wolves in sheeps clothing.

Since closing my shop I have read 5 books. Learned to play poker. Created a capsule wardrobe. Made my own Kombucha. Fed the birds. And cleared my head. 
I am feeling whole. I am feeling fluid.

What sparks joy?

The mountain ranges of Banff, Alberta and the hot springs in winter. The walks up Sulphur Mountain. The hot springs of Invermere, BC. The Fraser River and all its glory in Hope, BC. Gold panning. Coffees on the patio of Second Cup on a warm summer's evening with the love of my life. Poker night with the kids. The ski hill. In Clover. My newest read. Lavender Tulsi tea. Homemade Chicken Pad Tai. Wine with my girlfriend in Lamoureux. Puppies, kittens, and my plants. The greenhouse. Listening to the Mac Ladds over spiced rum and shooting the shit with my fiance. The sight of the powerline on the horizon. The little coffee shop in Hope, BC, where I did my laundry and was amazed at the mountains. The walks I took on the Fraser River. My journal. My pen. Yoga. Meditation. Swollen Members and the sound of the 78th Fraser Highlanders Pipe Band. Picking my fiance up from the airport after not seeing him for months...haha...better not get into that one. The Cambridge English Dictionary. Happy Water from BC. Hard Bite Salt n Vinegar chips, also from BC. Rising at 5am and watching the sun come up. Mumford and Sons. Outlander. My quest for adventure and change. Saying no to my sons school and deciding that perhaps he would be better under my direction and education. (He's suffocating at his school). Patagonia. 
Sunlight. Fresh Air. Walks. Taking pictures. Writing. The truth.

So much sparks joy for me that is either free, cheap, or spent with the ones I love. I cannot chase what I do not want. I cannot and I will not.

 I am fluid. I am fluid. I am fluid.

Stop surfing the net.
Stop shopping.
Small businesses have now learned how to make you want it and buy it.
I declare war on this.
It is why I could not do it.
I refuse to make you believe something that is not true.
If I cannot ethically produce something that is ecologically friendly and useful then no.

Have my wits grown stronger?
I am Fluid...
 Pintrest









Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Why Fear Should Not Stop You




My mind is on fire and so I need to do what I do best in these moments.
Write.

First, I have to admit, I have really, really been trying to keep my shit together and carry on. That has led me through moments of tears, depression, anger, grief, and lastly apathy. 

So I give up.

I am changing things.

It's really quite simple. While I was busy doing my life and living, I stopped to check in with myself and realized that I was actually slowly dying. Inside.

I can't remember the last time I had an in depth conversation with another human that left me feeling alive, creative, and full of energy, save one, in the past week.

I feel like the outcast of the Mom group, but hey, you know what, I like it that way. I am not the mundane. I never have been nor will I ever be. I am a constantly changing and evolving person and I like change. I may never be quite settled. I seek and live on the next adventure. I love meeting new people. I know there is a whole world out there to explore.

Everything and everyone has drained me. I really hate to break it to you, but I was stuck in a matrix I created. I only just realized this tonight.

This bullshit thing called life as we know it. Really? I think we can do better. 
I know I can do better.

Kenny Rogers sings The Gambler. You've heard it, right? Most of us have. 
"You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, and know when to walk away, know when to run." 
I feel that. It is time to run. 

When everything around you and everyone just makes you feel blah, it is time. I have complained about the area I live in so much that I have become a broken record to myself.
I need something new.

Everything about where I live just does not resonate with me.
I allowed my fear to step in and take hold.

"The fears we don't face become our limits."
"We have no choice but to go through our fears in order to get over them."
"Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision"

I have always been of the mind that it is okay to just leave it all behind and seek better if you just feel that it is necessary.

I am probably the only Mom in our group that listens to Hospin while making muffins. I like to think outside of the box. I like yoga. I like eating healthy and I will turn down running my kid around to be sure I am home to make a meal that fuels me and my kids. 
I operate the way I operate. 

"Life happens not to you, but for you. Work on yourself. 
Fill yourself up and keep your cup full."

I am filling my cup. I am going to make decisions and make a list that will help me with those decisions. I am going to seek the people who went before me to see how they did what I want to do. And I do not plan on letting fear stop me.



xoxo


Tuesday, May 23, 2017

The Writer



Within the context of a well constructed secret group lies a body of collective minds. They work alone, with a whirring of secret thoughts and stories. They enlist the provocative nature of the soul to conjure the words that bring forth the story. Insights are written, the incessant desires of beautiful minds eloquently bringing forth the world of words.


Movies. Books. Newspapers. Music
The secret group that brings it to life.

If you will for just a moment, understand that the writer will, it seems, forever see life on a different level. Each person they meet tells a story, each soul with an unwritten story that is brought to life with the skill of the writer's mind. The one who can tell that story as it should be and bring even the most boring life into it's full beauty, just for you.


I can make you believe anything. I can make you amused. I can make you frustrated. I can agitate you or leave you speechless. I can bring tears. I can bring laughter. I can create for you a drama. I can bring a simple, everyday object to life. I can entice you to do anything I want. I am the writer. You will be swept into my story, whether you watch it on TV, at the cinema, or read it somewhere. You become privy to my secret group, if only for awhile. 
You may hunger for more and I may give it to you.


This is the beauty of the writer. This is the gorgeous magic the writer holds. You will never capture the writer's entire soul, for it has never been one to be held. You will never understand, always agree, or comprehend what the writer tells you. You may view the writer as you will, but you will never understand the true nature of their thoughts or where they abound from.



The writer is an expose of many things. They inherit a quality from the ether that haunts their souls forever. They will begin the story and rewrite it many times. The writer does not seek your approval, they seek the justification of the mass hysteria that abounds during the time of writing. Should the writer avoid this task, they remain in ruins.
Until they write.



The one percent of us, this is for you.
xoxo

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Dreams. Determination. Motivation. Here's to a Better Year








Hey...there...

First post of 2017. I have got to say I really have not felt much like blogging these days. 

That's a lie. I have brilliant blog posts, I think of them while I am driving, get home and well...that inspiration just kind of leaves me.

This got me thinking...I kind of thought I am just going to have to sit and blog, even if it is at first, a little different, but it needs to become my habit again.
I lost myself in 2016...hello from the other side.

I must say I am more then happy to bid adieu to 2016. Hello 2017.

2016 goes down as the worst year of my life.
I felt 2016 in every ounce of my being.
It is the year I quit Reiki.
The year I believe that I know now how death feels when it's knocking.
I died a little each day, then a little more in the nights.
I found out what being alone is....again.
Fear came knocking.
Love kind of left...for a long while.
I got knocked down and then kicked while I was down.

That's pretty dramatic isn't it...

Hey. I met my darkside again.
We had cookies.
Discussed things.
It was a bit too dark though, so I had to leave.

I think the only way to put it into words is here, in words.
And in song, because I feel and process things deeply within the words and the music.
So, which song can sum up 2016 for me?
How about this one, you can click that link and take a listen.

You laughed right?
I hope you did...

Finally I had a breakthrough and I got mad.
I was done feeling sorry for myself and I got mad, because if you flip that inner bitch switch, she gets things done and sorts the shit out. That's what's happening now.

I got back on track and reminded myself, after about 150 days of thinking I was going to die, that if I am in fact still alive then I guess it's time to live. I reminded myself how far I have come in 10 years. Reminded myself of a few of the key people in that 10 years that helped form me and I found me again. I was an amazing little ball of fury and strength and that's why the people who came along during that time in my life came. Those people are forever etched in my soul, there is no forgetting them.
And to be honest, I needed to talk to a few of them.

They are the people who knew me before The Black Star Boutique.
Before the Reiki.
Before I couldn't see past my small town.

That was the only small piece of insight I needed to regain my strength and have a little faith in myself. I mean hell, I had a bad year personally, but hey, The Black Star Boutique had a fabulous year. We made appearances on The Vampire Diaries, Day 5, and well, we have some things coming that are huge for 2017.

So I know it well. Hell and back.

But I have a dream and I will not stop until I achieve it.

This is my motivation, daily. Take a listen and hear it out.

Have a dream. Then go get the damn thing.

Here's to the next year...

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Hello from The Black Star


 Hello xoxo

It has been awhile since I sat to blog and I apologize. I have been busy with fulfilling orders, designing new items and many behind the scenes tasks that have kept me busy.

How are you? Stressed over the holidays yet?

I think for all it's worth, knowing that many of us aren't feeling as prepared or perhaps, happy, this time of year as we would like to be may offer a bit of comfort. Christmas season brings out the best and the worst and I find being thankful for what's right in front of you can help a great deal. It is hard missing loved ones at this time of year. My fiance deals with that at this time of year, as does my girlfriend and many other people I know.

We have to find the reasons to be thankful. Knowing we cannot change the past.

I am happy knowing my fiance will be home soon. My kids are healthy and happy. We have a beautiful home and food on the table. The four of us have each other and for that I can be thankful. I had another amazing year with The Black Star Boutique and my jewelry designs making appearances on Stephanie Drapeau and her mini series, Day 5. I am thankful for this creative outlet that allows me to reach out to my customers and try to add a little pretty, handmade just for each and everyone of them.

Whether I ship within Canada, into the USA, New Zealand, the UK, or Australia, each piece I make is designed with love and care. I often wonder where those little pieces of my creativity travel to when I ship my parcels...are they well received, I often wonder.
I do love it when my customers touch base with me whether via email, my FB page, or Instagram, it gives me that moment in a day to just sit and smile.


Carl Jung is probably one of my most favourites to quote, when it is not Paulo Coelho that I quote, when I feel a little uncertain or down.

I think our world is awakening to a very new reality.
The upcoming year will be full of change and we all need to move along with that change.
I often feel fortunate that although I am from Alberta, my life and that of my fiance's is never tied to the oil issues here and that we are free to pick up and go elsewhere if we choose. We make a good pair, as both of us have always had to adapt and we do adapt well.

I have had time to heal in this pretty place we live and am hoping for a year of upcoming good things and happy times. 

I promised to share a few pics of the area I am in and I completely forgot. So here are a few of my autumn pics of the very first street in Alberta where I live...
I wasn't able to capture the eagles that lived out here in summer months, but they were amazing too see up close.

Morning views from my front yard


Several of these monuments mark the walking path that will be in place next year


I love the old brick houses here, this one is at the end of the street. It was for sale and I contemplated buying it and using it as a bed and breakfast, alas, I don't think I will lay roots in this place though, my heart is not here.
(And Edmonton, Alberta is #8 on the list of 10 for clean cities...there's cleaner places to live)


This is the old church and just up the road in behind is an old cemetery that we walked through a lot in August and September. 

This picture can be deceiving. It looks like clear blue sky, however if you were to zoom in closely, you would see the smoke stacks from all the plants that are in that direction...very deceiving. But, this was a place to help me rest and I can't say enough about the peace and quiet here. No noisy vehicles, no noisy neighbours, a whole lot of breathing room to just get ready for the next phase of life.

Wherever or however this time of year finds you, I hope you take time to just enjoy the season and be thankful for all that is right in front of you.

xoxo






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